This morning I am sitting with my coffee enjoying a few moments of free time super early and I am reflecting. It's been about 3 weeks and I feel as though I am beginning to heal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I am done with my doctor's appointments and was cleared to beginning running again. I have to be slow and really pay attention to how I feel, but I can run!! That means no pushing it, if I feel tired or short of breath I need to stop. I'm totally fine with that, I just need to get back out there and start living. I feel like running helps me to feel alive, and these days I need to feel alive! I can fit into my clothes again (well most of them), which is a huge deal. I seem to have lost the belly but kept the extra 10lbs. That will take a little bit of work to get off, but that is a project I don't mind undertaking. I feel like I will be able to say that it is over soon. I'm not sure many people will be able to understand those words. If you have been here you will, but the daily constant reminder of our loss is almost too much to bear some days. It's not that I think we will ever forget our blessing that awaits us in heaven, but grieving and moving on is important to me in this personal process.
They say time heals everything. That it helps you forget and move on. I have come to learn that time may help you heal, but it doesn't make you forget. That is okay, I don't want to forget. I have a hope and a peace that transcends despair. It doesn't mean that I do not get sad, or angry, or even crazy, it just means that I know things happen for a reason. Although I do not understand the reasons for God's plans, I know that his plans are for good. In some way I know he will use this for his glory. I have to run to Him with this, otherwise it would be too much to bear.
I have had some wonderful opportunities to work with some awesome ladies as they adjust to becoming a new mom. I love every minute of it. Teaching and helping and presenting options as they figure out what works for them is so rewarding. I have made some new friends and look forward to making many more. I would love to continue to do this. Having a miscarriage has definitely given me a unique perspective. Made me more compassionate and more empathetic to the journey that ones takes to becoming a mother.
I know I have said it before, but please feel free to share my journey with others. Muddling through a miscarriage is scary and reading what others post is helpful to help push the clouds away. The last question I asked my doctor on Thursday was, "When is the crazy going to go away?" She laughed and told me, "Welcome to the new normal!" For so many people a miscarriage is a wake up call to the fact that you are not in charge of everything, and "the crazy," as I affectionately call is just the manifestation of that realization. I have always known that God is in control, but in this case I physically saw it happen with my own body. I do have a new normal!
Last Fall, after my sweet husband deployed, I heard a song on the radio that I have constantly come back to because it speaks to me on so many different levels. It's the first song on my running play list, so that I start each run reminded of the blessings I have in my life and am able to reflect on those as I continue to get miles on my legs. I posted the lyrics below...the song is Blessings by Laura Story. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I continue to cherish every conversation, phone call, text and email. Your words continue to be a source of strength.
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family,
Protection while we
sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our
suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give
us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if
Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it
takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in
disguise?
We pray for wisdom,
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we
cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every
promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate
plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing
comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to
know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in
disguise?
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain
reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our
home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing
comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to
know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this
life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if
trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in
disguise?
