The response from my last blog post was overwhelming. Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I have had messages from people all over the world, many whom I don't know. I am thankful that there are people out there who needed to hear what I have to say and it is being helpful. Although days, hours, minutes, even seconds change from good to not so good all the time, I do know "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) The problem is that I know these things in my head, but my heart is taking a little longer to catch up!
Thank you for your calls, emails, and drop bys. I am sorry I haven't always responded. I have never been a phone talker and I just don't quite trust myself to call everyone back. I am slowly getting to emails and Facebook messages. Just know that I got them all and I do cherish your words. I often look back over the texts or listen to the messages when I am having a hard minute to gain strength from your words.
Physically I am doing much better. My body has just now realized it is no longer pregnant, as I have been having morning sickness most days this week. I think I will still be yoga pants for a while, which is not a big thing....those I enjoy :) I came off pain meds Thursday, and while I still am experiencing discomfort it is nothing like it was before. Most people do not realize (I had no idea, but was so glad I had been warned!), that miscarriage is pretty much the same as early labor........same type of uterine contractions. There is just no "reward" at the end, no reason to forget...........
I have good days and bad days. Yesterday, was not a "good" day. We found out a week ago on Friday (I actually miscarried Monday night). It is hard. I had given myself a deadline of a week for getting back into the routine of our daily lives and I failed, and I am completely ok with that. I was an emotional wreck...yep I found myself crying during the Biggy Smalls tribute song by P-Diddy, yeah, what was I doing on the VH-1 "Memories" show anyway! I tend to break down when people are really nice (thus, the no phone calls thing). This is an issue I have always had. I do just fine, until you are nice to me. I would be better off if everyone was just mean............just kidding, please do not be mean :)
Today is a good day! We have been re-arranging some furniture and hanging pictures. For once the weather is beautiful and we are planning to walk over to a charity event in our neighborhood to see some trucks after naps. It will be good to get out of the house for a little bit and be a normal family for a few hours.
What I have learned this week is that it's all about perspective and understanding that it is ok for your perspective to suck once in a while. Finding another person with the same perspective is helpful, but talking with someone who wants to hear your perspective is good too. The Lord has blessed me with sweet friends. I'm learning that life will be different and I'm learning to be ok with that.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Adventures in the Hard Stuff
I know, I know...it's been a LONG time right?!?! We've been a little busy around here with our special someone who came home in the middle of February! I'm a terrible blogger and while I have came up with many new "ideas" and even started several new posts in my head it wasn't until a couple of days ago that I felt I "needed" to post again. So I bring to you this new chapter in the story of our lives...I am going to warn you that it may not be easy to read, but for someone I hope that they are able to take comfort in our story. I am pretty much an open book when I write so feel free to skip over the boring parts :)
The word VIABLE is 6 letters, 3 constants and 3 vowels. Websters says it is defined as capable of success or continuing effectiveness. Doctors use the word viable when describing a fetus. Pregnant ladies prefer to not use the word at all.
On April 1st we found out that we were expecting again! We were so excited. We had found out 4 years earlier that we were expecting our precious firstborn in December, on April 1st too. We were going to have an '08, a '10, and a '12 baby. All about 2 years apart and while it would be CRAZY and chaotic for a while, this one would fit right in and we would make it work......might as well add another ring to our circus!!
We have always told people pretty early along in our pregnancies that we are pregnant. It is important for me to have people praying for the baby and our family as soon as possible, and usually I need help early in pregnancy! I am so super sick from 5 or 6 weeks on, that any and all help is greatly appreciated. This time around going to the grocery store made me so sick, that a sweet friend offered to do my shopping at the same time she was doing hers. Furthermore, at 6 weeks I couldn't button my pants and by 7 weeks it was very apparent that I was pregnant in a profile picture. Seems the body just knows what to do when you get pregnant every year and a half! Really, I would rather people know I was pregnant then they wonder.......
This go around we immediately told our families and our church family. I also started telling my friends in my running group....I mean really they were going to know soon anyway. Number one, running clothing is not loose, so not really easy to hide. Number two, I had just just finished a half marathon and if I wasn't signing up to run races any time soon or running the same milage I had been running people were going to start wondering :) I kept trying to figure out a clever way to tell my out of town friends and had finally decided on making shirts for the kids and emailing and posting a Big Bro and Big Sis picture. Cute right?!?!?!?
I was so tired from both pregnancy and a 3 and almost 2 year old that I felt like I was spending most afternoons on the couch begging the little ones to watch a movie with me! Fun times, I tell you...once I found myself dozing on the floor while playing blocks with Jack and he was saying, "Mooooommmmyyyy can you heeeeeaaaaaarrrr me?' Yikes, mother of the year, that is me!!
Last Tuesday I went in for a routine doctor appointment and they couldn't hear a heartbeat. Don't worry they said, that is completely normal after 2 c-sections. Now, this is my third pregnancy, and not hearing a heartbeat at 9 weeks and 5 days is not normal in my book. I am thin and small, and in both my other pregnancies they were able to hear a heartbeat externally at 8 weeks. My blood tests showed a a progressing pregnancy and I was still super sick every morning so I went with it, settling for a recheck in 2 weeks rather than the normal 4 weeks. If I am truly honest with myself I knew then that something wasn't ok. In fact I knew two days earlier that something was wrong. I was still sick in the morning, but not as sick as I had been and I was feeling like I was starting to get better and get over morning sickness. It was enough to make me pause and think about it....
On Thursday night I started cramping, by Friday morning I was bleeding, and after going to the Doctor and getting an ultrasound they confirmed our fears and the words "NOT VIABLE" were written on the top of my chart. Those two words, and that was it........well, not really. They gave me a prescription and told me what to expect and that was the start of the longest weekend ever.
It's interesting to me as I was leaving the office (just so you know they let those of "us" out the back door......I think so we don't scare those in the waiting room) that the doctor made sure over and over that I knew it wasn't anything I did that made this happen. Which I absolutely, 100% believe is true. However, there are so many environmental factors from caffeine to paint fumes to cleaning chemicals that we are told to avoid to "prevent" miscarriage when you go in for the first ob appointment that it makes one wonder as you are leaving the office and hearing "those words."
I have a wonderful family, an amazing church family and fantastic friends whom as soon as they found out about our loss showed up with food, offers of help, kind words, and new presents for the kids. I know presents for the kids, how odd??? BUT I can say the new bubbles have been a lifesaver in keeping them busy while I have been recovering in bed this weekend.
"What I have learned in the past 48 hours?" I asked myself. I have had plenty of time to sit and think (or lay and think) and I have decided that I can not imagine going through this alone. I am so glad that we told people early that we were pregnant. Yes, it is hard tell people that we are no longer pregnant, but it would be harder to not have people checking in, or not offering to keep the kids, or not offering words of comfort and support. I think having to pretend like this didn't happen would be much worse. And if/ when we get pregnant again, I am sure we will tell people as soon as we know then too. I also respect those who tell people they are pregnant only after hitting the second trimester mark. That is what works for them and if that is what makes things easier for you, then that is the best decision for your family. Too many times we judge others based on our own personal passions and beliefs. What is best for me is not going to be best for you. That is the way God made us.
Miscarriage in some circles has become taboo, it happens a lot more than we all like to think, but yet seems to be something that no one really likes to talk about. I get that and I totally understand why. I even understand more now when I got that "knowing" look from a friend when she heard me telling someone I was 6 weeks pregnant. I now know, she had been here before. She knows how hard it is, and she didn't want me to have to be here. I'm not going to bring it up all the time and I'm not thinking it is going to be any easier to talk about ever, I just don't think it needs to be my secret. I am pretty certain there is someone out there that needs to read my story. Besides if you watch any Lifetime movie, those who pretend to be pregnant for the entire 9 months usually don't end up in a good place! Remember Mr. Shue's wife on Glee. Did not end well!
So why did I decide to blog about this extremely personal experience of ours. Well, after turning to "Mr. Google" I was unable to find another blog with the same sadness, but matter of factness that I felt was me. I needed my feelings to be validated, yet hope to be offered at the same time. More than anything I wanted to find a place where I could be like "Yes! That is totally how I feel!" and "Yes! Good days and bad days are normal!" and "Yes! I am on the same page!" So, I decided to write about my feelings and personal experiences in hopes that I could provide it for someone else. Please feel free to share our story with others if you think they will benefit from reading it!
It's ok. I am ok, or I know I am ok, or I know I am going to be ok. This is a good hour. The next one might not be so good, but we will see in another 18 minutes. As it is, I am writing this under the influence of pain meds......
We have 2 wonderful blessings here on earth and an amazing blessing in heaven. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle and I take comfort and gain strength in knowing that He has a plan for us. He has already prepared this path that my family is walking down together and together we are growing stronger in Him as we continue on our crazy life journey as a family of four........for now!
The word VIABLE is 6 letters, 3 constants and 3 vowels. Websters says it is defined as capable of success or continuing effectiveness. Doctors use the word viable when describing a fetus. Pregnant ladies prefer to not use the word at all.
On April 1st we found out that we were expecting again! We were so excited. We had found out 4 years earlier that we were expecting our precious firstborn in December, on April 1st too. We were going to have an '08, a '10, and a '12 baby. All about 2 years apart and while it would be CRAZY and chaotic for a while, this one would fit right in and we would make it work......might as well add another ring to our circus!!
We have always told people pretty early along in our pregnancies that we are pregnant. It is important for me to have people praying for the baby and our family as soon as possible, and usually I need help early in pregnancy! I am so super sick from 5 or 6 weeks on, that any and all help is greatly appreciated. This time around going to the grocery store made me so sick, that a sweet friend offered to do my shopping at the same time she was doing hers. Furthermore, at 6 weeks I couldn't button my pants and by 7 weeks it was very apparent that I was pregnant in a profile picture. Seems the body just knows what to do when you get pregnant every year and a half! Really, I would rather people know I was pregnant then they wonder.......
This go around we immediately told our families and our church family. I also started telling my friends in my running group....I mean really they were going to know soon anyway. Number one, running clothing is not loose, so not really easy to hide. Number two, I had just just finished a half marathon and if I wasn't signing up to run races any time soon or running the same milage I had been running people were going to start wondering :) I kept trying to figure out a clever way to tell my out of town friends and had finally decided on making shirts for the kids and emailing and posting a Big Bro and Big Sis picture. Cute right?!?!?!?
I was so tired from both pregnancy and a 3 and almost 2 year old that I felt like I was spending most afternoons on the couch begging the little ones to watch a movie with me! Fun times, I tell you...once I found myself dozing on the floor while playing blocks with Jack and he was saying, "Mooooommmmyyyy can you heeeeeaaaaaarrrr me?' Yikes, mother of the year, that is me!!
Last Tuesday I went in for a routine doctor appointment and they couldn't hear a heartbeat. Don't worry they said, that is completely normal after 2 c-sections. Now, this is my third pregnancy, and not hearing a heartbeat at 9 weeks and 5 days is not normal in my book. I am thin and small, and in both my other pregnancies they were able to hear a heartbeat externally at 8 weeks. My blood tests showed a a progressing pregnancy and I was still super sick every morning so I went with it, settling for a recheck in 2 weeks rather than the normal 4 weeks. If I am truly honest with myself I knew then that something wasn't ok. In fact I knew two days earlier that something was wrong. I was still sick in the morning, but not as sick as I had been and I was feeling like I was starting to get better and get over morning sickness. It was enough to make me pause and think about it....
On Thursday night I started cramping, by Friday morning I was bleeding, and after going to the Doctor and getting an ultrasound they confirmed our fears and the words "NOT VIABLE" were written on the top of my chart. Those two words, and that was it........well, not really. They gave me a prescription and told me what to expect and that was the start of the longest weekend ever.
It's interesting to me as I was leaving the office (just so you know they let those of "us" out the back door......I think so we don't scare those in the waiting room) that the doctor made sure over and over that I knew it wasn't anything I did that made this happen. Which I absolutely, 100% believe is true. However, there are so many environmental factors from caffeine to paint fumes to cleaning chemicals that we are told to avoid to "prevent" miscarriage when you go in for the first ob appointment that it makes one wonder as you are leaving the office and hearing "those words."
I have a wonderful family, an amazing church family and fantastic friends whom as soon as they found out about our loss showed up with food, offers of help, kind words, and new presents for the kids. I know presents for the kids, how odd??? BUT I can say the new bubbles have been a lifesaver in keeping them busy while I have been recovering in bed this weekend.
"What I have learned in the past 48 hours?" I asked myself. I have had plenty of time to sit and think (or lay and think) and I have decided that I can not imagine going through this alone. I am so glad that we told people early that we were pregnant. Yes, it is hard tell people that we are no longer pregnant, but it would be harder to not have people checking in, or not offering to keep the kids, or not offering words of comfort and support. I think having to pretend like this didn't happen would be much worse. And if/ when we get pregnant again, I am sure we will tell people as soon as we know then too. I also respect those who tell people they are pregnant only after hitting the second trimester mark. That is what works for them and if that is what makes things easier for you, then that is the best decision for your family. Too many times we judge others based on our own personal passions and beliefs. What is best for me is not going to be best for you. That is the way God made us.
Miscarriage in some circles has become taboo, it happens a lot more than we all like to think, but yet seems to be something that no one really likes to talk about. I get that and I totally understand why. I even understand more now when I got that "knowing" look from a friend when she heard me telling someone I was 6 weeks pregnant. I now know, she had been here before. She knows how hard it is, and she didn't want me to have to be here. I'm not going to bring it up all the time and I'm not thinking it is going to be any easier to talk about ever, I just don't think it needs to be my secret. I am pretty certain there is someone out there that needs to read my story. Besides if you watch any Lifetime movie, those who pretend to be pregnant for the entire 9 months usually don't end up in a good place! Remember Mr. Shue's wife on Glee. Did not end well!
So why did I decide to blog about this extremely personal experience of ours. Well, after turning to "Mr. Google" I was unable to find another blog with the same sadness, but matter of factness that I felt was me. I needed my feelings to be validated, yet hope to be offered at the same time. More than anything I wanted to find a place where I could be like "Yes! That is totally how I feel!" and "Yes! Good days and bad days are normal!" and "Yes! I am on the same page!" So, I decided to write about my feelings and personal experiences in hopes that I could provide it for someone else. Please feel free to share our story with others if you think they will benefit from reading it!
It's ok. I am ok, or I know I am ok, or I know I am going to be ok. This is a good hour. The next one might not be so good, but we will see in another 18 minutes. As it is, I am writing this under the influence of pain meds......
We have 2 wonderful blessings here on earth and an amazing blessing in heaven. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle and I take comfort and gain strength in knowing that He has a plan for us. He has already prepared this path that my family is walking down together and together we are growing stronger in Him as we continue on our crazy life journey as a family of four........for now!
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