Adventures in Newborns

So one would think by baby number 3, you would have it all figured out.  Which I totally fell into that trap.  My problem is that my baby number three followed number 2 three and a half years later.  That is a LONG time in baby years.  You know how I know that...there are 3 generations of the swing I once used with baby number two.  It has some WAY cool upgrades!!

Here is my list of what I had forgotten about newborns.........

1) When the baby cries, you will have to fight the urge to offer a goldfish cracker to pacify them until you are able to sit down to feed them.  Doctors, nurses, grandparents, and random other strangers who offer all kinds of advice, generally frown on feeding solid food until they are a little bit older.  Not to mention they cannot actually get the said cracker into their mouth which will result in more crying and frustration!

2) You will become lightening fast when showering....if you even decide to shower.  Sometimes on Saturdays I look back and realize that my last shower was Sunday before church, but that is neither here nor there.  Back to lightening fast showers.  You will get your shower done in about 3.5 minutes, because the crying produced by a newborn usually produces "let down," causing you to drip precious liquid gold.  For those who formula feed or bottle feed, I have been told that the crying causes rushing, which also leads to spilling of the precious liquid.  No matter what way you feed, this type of crying equals feeding emergencies.  I have also learned that this type of crying also induces NPE (Newborn Poop Explosions), which result in poop up the back and down the chest, and usually requires a bath for the newborn along with washing all clothing and bedding.

3) You must pack not only extra clothing in the diaper bag for the baby, but also for yourself due to NPE.  Please see above for NPE explanations.

4) When planning any type of out of the house excursion that will last longer then 2 hours, you need to plan for time to feed the baby.  That often may require more "gear," and also a place to make this happen.  Police Officers generally do not look fondly on holding the baby and feeding in your lap in a moving car, especially if you are driving.

5)  Diapers...do not run out.  Make sure you have a stash either washed if you do cloth or bought if you use paper.  Believe me, running out of diapers is bad.........really, really bad.  Again, see NPE.

6) Tummy time is a must.  As soon as head and neck strength is achieved, that coveted one-armed hip hold can be mastered.  The day that happens all kids of doors will open up, literally.

7) The baby will usually fall asleep right before you need to go somewhere.  Especially if you have spent the last hour trying to get him/her to go to sleep so you can get ready.  When you have five minutes to put yourself together you usually will sniff armpits, put on some baby lotion (everyone loves the new baby smell right), put on maternity jeans (because that is what fits right now and we all know that jeans makes you look put together vs the same old black yoga pants you have worn the last 5 days), run a brush through your hair, brush your teeth and dash out the door!  Don't forget to go back inside for the baby.....

8) You will become proficient at one handed typing if you want to use the computer, phone, tablet, etc to communicate with loved ones.  This communication often occurs in the wee hours of the morning and you will most likely forget what you wrote...........it's kind of like drunk dialing.

9) Newborns are the perfect excuse for everything!  No one expects you to be on time, no one asks you to be at meetings, no one cares if you shower.......in fact if you have a newborn and make it to anything people will tell you how great you look. Actually, you should absolutely try to get out of the house shearly for the purpose of building up your self esteem.  After all, you did just house one of God's greatest creations for the last nine months, you deserve a little praise :)

P.S.  This is meant to be funny.   I may or may not have made you laugh.  But it is not meant to start a debate about anything, only provide a little chuckle, a head nod and an "oh yes, I remember!"

P.P.S.  I am a numbers girl.  I really like a good round number, like 5 or 10 or 20.  It kills me that I could only come up with 9.  Help me out, what would your number 10 be?